I know, I know, it doesn’t technically start with ‘x’. But it would seem strange not to include the ‘ex’ in an A-Z of divorce. In this instance though, there’s a different focus. It’s not so much our exes themselves as their families.
There are myriads of mother-in-law jokes, but these tell only a tiny fraction of the in-law story. You might love your in-laws, hate them, or be somewhere in the middle depending how much time you’re in the same house together over Christmas. But in-laws usually come with the spouse package. As we separate and divorce, the relationship with ex-in-laws can be a difficult one to navigate for a number of reasons.
A helpful place to begin is remembering to be respectful of their role. Whatever you think of them, their decisions or their attitude to you, they are the family of your ex. As such, there’s an expectation that they will support them. This can feel immensely frustrating if, from your perspective, you feel your ex doesn’t deserve that love and support: your expectation may be for their family to push them towards reconciliation. Yet with those we love the most, we often love them despite their actions. Their love for a child or sibling is likely to take precedence over their relationship with you which is healthy and natural. It’s likely we will expect our own families to love and support us regardless of our behaviour. We must also remember that although we may not see our ex-in-laws championing our marriage, we don’t know what is said behind closed doors. Ex-in-laws may be challenging their behaviour, encouraging their positive relationship with us, or suggesting they cut and run. We don’t know. And that’s okay, because our ex’s actions are just that – their actions. Ex-in-laws aren’t to blame for individual choices made by exes, but it can be hard to separate the two. Their relationship may look like a condoning of behaviour, perhaps it’s just familial, unconditional love.
A further difficulty is that involvement in your ex-in-laws’ lives might need to continue, even while the life with your ex does not. Forgiving your ex-in-laws for anything you know or imagine they may have done that’s hurt you is a big ask. Forgiving anyone is hard. But if you have children, the people who are your ex-in-laws are your children’s family. Forgiveness may look backwards at past events, but it might also mean graciously letting go of not being invited to an event, or being kept in the loop about something. It may mean having to forgive them whenever they seem to disregard your parental role in your children’s lives. It may also be harder to forgive in-laws as we do not love them in the same way, forgiveness is (slightly!) more straightforward where there is deep love; there’s a vested interest to forgive. Choosing to forgive once you’ve worked out where you’ve felt hurt, aggrieved or rejected is powerful, not just for them but for you and your continuing relationship.
It might be that there is no reason to stay in touch. This can be as challenging. It may feel like another rejection if you were close, or an inevitable and justifying conclusion of what you thought about them if you were not. But try to finish well. Ending without bitterness and without resentment brings closure to whatever the relationship was. Write to them perhaps, a positive letter thanking them for anything they’ve brought to you. If you have children and you want to continue the relationship, keep them in the loop about their achievements and share the joys of their lives together, even if it’s hard to interact about your own lives.
As you decide whether to remain in touch, remember your family are in-laws too. Your ex being in touch with your family can be a challenging dimension. Just as you get to choose who you do, or don’t, stay in touch with – so do they. Your family and your ex may have their own relationships existing outside your marriage. It doesn’t mean they’re talking about you, in fact, they’re probably not. Giving space for others to end or continue their own relationships is an adult approach to the problem. We may not want them to be best friends, but it’s not our call to make. We may feel that by being friends it will draw our marriage back together, but that’s not what their friendship is there for. Finding a way to make peace might be hard. Perhaps ask if you can be warned if they will be at an event, or can stagger timings so you don’t meet initially. After time you might not mind, but to start with it’s fine to put some boundaries in place around your own interactions with your ex via your family, even though those can’t be who other people see.
It’s a tricky world, the one of ex-in-laws. You’ve been put into one another’s lives and now you’ve been torn out of them. Feeling sad over what the relationship was, could have been or might have been is a normal process. However you decide to navigate it, remember they are people too. We’re all fallible, we all make mistakes, us as well as them. You may not have control over their actions, but you can choose your own. Treat them with the same kindness you hope your ex would treat your own family. After all, you are the ex-in-law too.
Leave a comment below to share how you left things with your ex-in-laws.
the entirety of life 
A tricky issue indeed. My relationship with my ex’s family has remained good due to their kindness and love for my children, but it’s been a journey …
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Well done! It’s definitely not easy – either way. X
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Such an insightful post. NO matter what the problems are – respect always helps solve it.
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Thank you. I agree – though also appreciate how hard it is to be respectful when you’ve been hurt.
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I think everyone’s situation is different but when you’re with a partner their family can become yours too and when the relationship ends it’s an incredibly difficult situation regarding the family. Great perspective here 😊
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Thanks so much! I agree with you, there are so many ways relationships differ but divorce is a family wide problem too.
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It is tricky but you are right. Ex in laws are still important if kids are involved. And if you have a good relationship with them… why lose it?
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Absolutely! It can be tricky to maintain if there’s no obvious connection to keep up outside of a friendship too, but I’d like to think we parted with mutual love and respect and no ill wishes.
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I’m sure you did 😊
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Very difficult waters to tread. But, best to keep civil when children are involved. In truth, I am so lucky that I did not have to interact with any in laws after my divorce.
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I feel slightly sad I don’t anymore, but I wish them well. They were supportive and encouraging to me.
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Very thoughtful post indeed…..nicely done…..interesting read….ex or no ex, it’s always peaceful co existence, that ensures peace, hard to do while easy to say, I guess….
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I quite agree! Especially if someone has been hurt or feels rejected.
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As a child of divorced parents, I agree with everything. My family on both sides get on extremely well, which is great for us kids (now adults)
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That’s great to hear thank you, both about the post and how wonderful your family were able to maintain and work on good relationships, that must be such a helpful experience as an adult.
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So tricky. I was a child of a bitter divorce – it was complicated and stressful enough without adding the extended families into the mix!
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Oh man, I’m sorry for your experience. It must be a minefield to navigate at the ex-in-laws too.
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Sometimes you can try to maintain a relationship with the ex-family but they cut you out of their lives anyway. Navigating the loss of a husband, in-laws, sisters/brothers-in-law, grandparents, nieces and nephews is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. To still be able to have a good relationship must be quite refreshing. Very insightful post.
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It’s true… I don’t have a relationship with my ex-in-laws anymore really, though I wish them well and would be happy to have a chat if I bumped into them.
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Forgiving and moving on is only the best way to deal with it. The longer you keep them held up in your mind with grudges, it will become even more difficult.
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I find it hard to hold a grudge but I quite agree – we have to find a way to make peace with the past.
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It surely liberates You. 😃
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My ex in-laws behaved beautifully. They did ally with my ex (and he needed their support) but they made it clear that I was always welcome in their lives. They’ve done an exceptional job of wishing me well and honoring our relationship. I chose to love them from a distance. I don’t take them up on the invitation to visit unless we’re exchanging the grandchild for a weekend with Grandma and Grandpa, but in all other ways we’ve maintained a caring–if more distant–relationship overall.
When I married again, they wished me well.
I think much of setting up this kind of relationship, as another reader mentioned, is respect. And being as clear as possible on the fact that while an ex is an ex for a reason, it doesn’t mean he or she is fundamentally a terrible human being. Though that’s hard to see sometimes. My ex and I didn’t contribute to the best in each other, instead we brought out some of the worst. As you say in your post, it’s not the ex in-laws fault that we picked the wrong partner. Great post–I’m certain it will help others navigate the sometimes stormy “ex” waters.
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Wow your former in-laws sound fab! Thank you for your comment too – it’s insightful and a great way to phrase the relationship.
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My ex in laws were wonderful – yes they supported their son but they were supportive to me also. My mum & I still get Xmas cards from them. They congratulated me when I remarried & when I had my younger sons. I have the utmost respect for them. My own family, despite all that went on with my ex & myself, treat my ex with respect still too. It has been 16 years since my divorce … and it was a long hard road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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That’s such an encouraging story – what positive role models your children have in your loving family! Thank you for sharing that there is hope and positivity even in the hardest of circumstances.
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